Hard to believe it will be a year this Friday..probably the fastest year
of my life believe it or not! Still hard
to absorb all that has happened and where I am at this present moment.
On top of being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend…I
have added survivor…warrior…fighter among
many other things to my resume.
I think I said this on a previous blog….I am still trying to
figure myself out. I am still trying to
figure out the “new normal”. Just within these past few weeks however I
feel I am being more accepting to all the changes around me. I am feeling less “guilty” for recovering as
good as I have been. I felt almost like
a survivor’s guilt that I not only survived something that should have killed
me but my recovery has been somewhat short of a miracle in my doctor’s
opinion. I went through a life changing
event that has forever changed me and my family. I will never look at life the same way again.
I have made the choice that I will live this “second chance”
at life a much healthier way. I will
make better choices what I put in my body and I will work as hard as I can to
achieve every goal that I make. There is no such thing as putting things off
till tomorrow. Nothing is guaranteed!! It
shocks me how many people continue to take this for granted. I am
not saying that everyone needs to train for a triathlon…but people need to
start moving!!! You will feel better about yourself…I promise!! It takes just
one day!
So many people say how “normal” I look…but I can assure you
there is nothing normal about me anymore.
I will never be “normal”. I think
my exhaustion may be getting slightly better but I still feel this to be the
slowest phase with this recovery is getting back my energy. The numbness in my hands has finally gone
away. I think this took longer than I
thought it would….it’s the main reason why I have completely avoided writing
this past year….but this past month I have noticed a big difference...phew!
I don’t go thru one day without someone asking me “how I feel”...Every single day! Whether it’s a text..someone I’m passing in
the hallway at work…every single day someone asks me “how I’m feeling”. I find
this sometimes to be a trick question….do I answer really honestly how I feel
or do I just simply say “I’m fine”.
Those who have survived a brain aneurysm know exactly what I’m talking
about….we may not psychically be in any kind of pain but mentally we are
fighting a war daily inside our heads! This
is beyond challenging. I am
still hopeful it will get better!!
No more stressing about petty crap. This may be my new favorite trait about the new
me. I am so unphased with certain things….it
is just sooo unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Laundry, dishes, etc….it gets done when it
gets done! My husband may not like this
new trait of mine but it’s working out just fine for me J
I put my energy towards people who make the effort. I no longer go above and beyond for people
like I once did. I actually say the word
“no”…something that took getting used to.
I do what makes me happy and makes sense...bottomline.
I’m still very emotional about all that has happened…I look
in the mirror and sometimes I simply don’t recognize who I see. I wonder if I will I ever find her and I wonder if people look at me and wonder
where the old me is? I feel at times I am living two lives….the new life since
this happened and the old one….it gets very confusing but I am trying to just
focus on the “present” more than anything.
I know I have said it many times but I am not sure I can
ever say thank you enough to everyone who has been there for me. When I got home from the hospital and I was
finally able to read every message posted on facebook, all the cards that were
sent, etc… it really was quite overwhelming.
I was beyond touched. All of your
prayers truly were heard. The support I
have received from my family, friends and coworkers has just been incredible and
I love you all for being there for me!
Surviving what I have has taught me the true value of life. I don’t want to any longer just do what I
should do…I want to do what I want to do
and what feels good! I went snowboarding
for the first time this past weekend with family and friends (against my husband
wishes). It was exhilarating!!! I was so proud of myself…not only for not
being afraid to try it again but for being pretty dam good at it!
 |
| Having a "life is good" moment on the lift up the mountain |
I am trusting this journey... I feel incredibly grateful that I was given a second chance at life. I love nothing more than being
here for those that truly love me and being with those I love more than anything. Please
embrace those around you and appreciate them.
Be kind to those you meet….I’ve said it time and time again everyone is
fighting the fight…we all have something or someone that we are dealing with no
matter how big or small.
xoxox
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