Day 2 - The Fight

My husband continues on with recapping the first couple of days in the hospital.  It really pulls at my heart when I read this…I also have to sit back and be proud after reading this on how much I did fight. 

This was truly me I suppose!!

 

Day 2 “The Fight”

Once George and my parents left, I was back by myself in the hospital with the evening shift nurses and my wife lying in the bed in an induced coma with 40K of tubes in her.  As I was speaking to the main nurse, I had mentioned that I was so happy on how the Neurology team was so informative on what had happened, what went on tonight and what is going to happen tomorrow.  I went ahead and told her that I had asked a team member what they thought was the long term prognosis and as professional as he could he told me this “If you promise not to ask this again, I am going say this…It will be a miracle if your wife walks out of here with a shunt in your head”.  Nurse looks me straight in the eye and goes, “Mr. Clark, do me a favor, listen to your doctors,  they will keep you informed and don’t ask that question again cause you will expect that best case scenario to happen maybe quicker than it should or maybe it won’t happen at all”.   Talk about some great advice! Down in the ER area, I labeled it as the “ER 500” because I must have walked round and round similar to a NASCAR car, it was crazy.   The time was around 1-130 and I decided to head home to let the dogs out cause I knew tomorrow was going to be a long one and Patty would kill me if I didn’t take care of her “children”. ICU had given us a time frame of a few hours before Patty was going to be transferred upstairs.  I arrived home and I remember walking into the house and thought to myself, “am I ever going to bring her back home”? …and “what the hell will my life be without her in what we have created”.  I let the dogs out and more importantly I had to shower.  Remember people, I ran 5 miles around 5pm and this is 7 hours later, pretty gross combo.  I packed a few things that I knew I would need, stopped at 7-11 and came back to the hospital around 3:30am.  The ICU room was still not ready so I just sat that there, did some more walking and did A LOT of thinking, good and bad. 

At around 5:00am things started getting really interesting with Patty and the so called induced coma.  For some reason, she began her fight and they were having a tough time keeping this chick down.  The nurses had to keep giving her more and more stuff (no clue what it was) and she would fall back and within a short window, she would start to slowly move and squirm in the bed.  The nurses then were shocked on her fighting off this and each of them mentioned that yes, this is annoying and really not good cause they needed her to rest…the way she was fighting is showing signs of a fighter. Her surgery to coil the aneurysm was scheduled for 8am and we finally got the call at 630am that the ICU room is finally ready!  While they were packing her up to go upstairs, something happened and truly don’t know what triggered it but Patty woke up, no she really woke up…she basically sat up, wide eyed, grabbed my left arm and tried saying something.  The nurse I was with was almost frozen in her tracks on what was happening.  How I describe what happened…she woke up..saw that she was in the hospital and was like, “Babe, get me the fuck out of here.”  Another nurse came flying in and they pumped more crap in her and down she went.  What a happy-----Sad moment.  The happy part was seeing her fight but the sad part was I just experienced that all by myself and I had wished at least Shay was here to see this.   As we head upstairs, the neuro team met me at the room that I will eventually spend the next 22 days in to review what is going on and any updates they need to give me (BLOG piece of advice here…if your head ever explodes, go to HUMC, that’s all).   We arrive upstairs and we immediately are told that the surgeon is ready and we can start taking her.  At this point, I turn around and George, Shay, Kris and Amy are there to help me escort Patty down to surgery, very thankful they made it.   During the walk to the elevator I tell the group the experience I had with Patty and how she basically woke up.  You could see Shay was obviously upset and nervous walking her mom down to this life threatening surgery.  In the elevator, I think one of the most important things happened with this whole experience…Patty did her wake up move..she saw Shay and reached for her and grabbed her hand just like she did to me down in the ER.  I think this was a very important moment cause before this, Shay had only seen her mom laying there lifeless and now she saw her mom fighting with everything she had.  We walked her down the floor where she was going to have the procedure done (yes this was considered a procedure and not a surgery…I am a Doctor now and know the difference between processes and procedures J )  

Patty got wheeled in and I get introduced to the doctor who leads the entire Neuro practice at Hackensack and his name is Dr. Daniel Walzman.   I shake his hand, and you can see he is a no fooling around and all about business type of person.  He basically said that his team has informed you on what happened and here is what is going to happen.  The aneurysm was in the back of the head on the right side, which is a good thing.  In the back of the head is where all of your feelings are affected but much harder to operate, it’s like a corn field with weeds.  The top of your head is where your motor skills are but much easier to navigate to operate.  “Now I am going to successfully coil this aneurysm but you have to understand that your wife has had a lot of blood that leaked in her brain and the recovery time frame will be around 21 days”.  Now I must have turned white as a ghost but heard the word “recovery” and regained control of the situation.  He goes on to tell me that days 5-15 are very important and these will be crucial for her recovery.   He shook my hand and I watched the man leave who was going to save my wife’s life walk away.   In the recovery room the following people came to show support for Patty and I guess me too.   Val and Lee, Mike V, Sant, Bree, Noubi, Amar, Susan, and Theresa and also the group I talked about above.   These people took time out of their schedule on a weekday (Friday) to support my family and I through this crazy ass time.  At around 10:15am, Dr Walzman came flying out and you can hear the gasp from the people who were there.  My first thought when I saw him…”Damn that was quick, good or bad….bad or good”…He goes to tell me that the surgery was a success and he whips out his phone and shows me the coiling.  Now I had already said thank you very much but the minute I saw the phone, my first reaction was “Is that a picture of the New Orleans Saints helmut???”  He looked at me like I was crazy,  didn’t say no but basically said that’s the picture of the coiling and all is good and you will be able to take her upstairs shortly.  Here is where I got concerned that I am going to be spending a lot of time with him and he doesn’t get any of my jokes, long road ahead for me too :o !  You could see some of the relief from the people who were there but they also knew what I had relayed to them from Walzman.   About 45 mins later, we took Patty upstairs to the room in the ICU but no more than 2 people can be in the room with me.  People popped there head in and got to see her and some people had to leave.  Mostly now is waiting in the waiting area on the same floor of the ICU.  They estimated that it would take 2 hours for her to come off everything.  

Around 12:30 she started waking up and in the room were myself, Susan and Shay.  This was a slow process that spanned about an hour and a half with her coming in and out of being conscious.  Around 2pm she really was awake but needed to pass a few tests to get some of the tubes out and could eventually start talking.  Amazing where we were 19-20 hours ago to where we were right now.  The breathing tube was removed and she now has a cute scratchy voice talking.  Having to describe to her what the hell happened was surreal but seeing where she was at this moment was remarkable BUT in the back of my head still was what Walzman said about this journey.   The people that were still there started visiting her and over a course of the next 2-3 hours, more and more people arrived including Jan and Onofrio from work, Tracy and Jason Brown.   Around 5:30 there were so many people in the room including Poppy, Court, Eric,  George had brought Amanda, Eileen, George P, Jamie and the girls and my cousin John showed up to give Patty a prayer to recover quickly (My family owns the Holy Roller portion of this miracle). 

Now the person that we have not spoken about was Camryn in any of this scenario.  I called her mother the night before and we agreed that I will tell her after school on Friday and then she will need to come visit Patty.   She arrived at the hospital and was down the hallway in fear and sadness of what was down in the room and what did her BFF look like.  Patty and Cam are the best of friends, they truly are.  Patty is known as Camryn’s “Toy”, yes Jack Brown F’ing Toy!  Thank God George was there and he was able to get her down to see Patty in the room.  The emotions were high but she stuck it out like the champ she is.

Another interesting thing happened when everyone was there the ER Main doctor made a visit but the best part of the story was this. He looked in the computer and saw that Patty was room 21 (totally forgot the room name, surprised I didn’t get it tattooed somewhere) and when you came out of the elevator, the room was first.  He flew by the room cause he heard the patient speaking….NOW, we all know Patty and when she gets going, she doesn’t stop and she isn’t quiet…so you can def picture this.  He walked all around the ICU and asked multiple nurses and he kept arguing with them because the last time he saw her, she was in some rough shape. When he stepped in the room and saw all of the people, the love from family and friends and Patty sitting up talking and cursing, he was taken back with emotion. This doctor a few months later would actually text Patty to check to see how she is doing.  Unreal!

At this time, the nurse came up to me and stated that she has had celebrities and rap stars in the ICU but this amount of people has taken the cake for the most over the top….but they all have to go!!  Your call, you kick them out or I will, she needs her rest!  I think the time was around 630ish and I had to release the news that everyone has to go.  Amazing day with amazing support and a rock star of a wife who battled through life and death right before our eyes.  I am being told that I need to go home tonight and that 40 hours straight will end up killing me first.  And just before Patty could rest her eyes, who comes flying in but Cherie and Moody straight from Brooklyn and from work!   Patty went through a rough day and I am up for 40 hours straight and for those two to come from where they were lightened up the ending to an incredibly long day. 

 Day 2 has come to a close and the battle that Patty faces is steep but achievable in many ways!  The love and support I had received in the hours of when this went public to now had been unreal and that got me through a lot.  The family and friends who visited, thank you,  thank you, thank you…

TO BE CONTINUED….

We celebrated my 1 year "second chance" anniversary this past week...it really is amazing where I am at this moment...especially when I read what Chris wrote.  The power of prayer is real and miracles really do happen!! Thank you to everyone who reached out to me personally, commented on FB etc... you all have really been incredible.  We are forever grateful!! Thank you xo

Gratitude - "Second Chance" Anniversary

Hard to believe it will be a year this Friday..probably the fastest year of my life believe it or not!  Still hard to absorb all that has happened and where I am at this present moment. 

On top of being a mom, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend…I have added survivor…warrior…fighter among many other things to my resume. 

I think I said this on a previous blog….I am still trying to figure myself out.  I am still trying to figure out the “new normal”.  Just within these past few weeks however I feel I am being more accepting to all the changes around me.  I am feeling less “guilty” for recovering as good as I have been.  I felt almost like a survivor’s guilt that I not only survived something that should have killed me but my recovery has been somewhat short of a miracle in my doctor’s opinion.  I went through a life changing event that has forever changed me and my family.  I will never look at life the same way again.

I have made the choice that I will live this “second chance” at life a much healthier way.  I will make better choices what I put in my body and I will work as hard as I can to achieve every goal that I make. There is no such thing as putting things off till tomorrow.  Nothing is guaranteed!! It shocks me how many people continue to take this for granted.   I am not saying that everyone needs to train for a triathlon…but people need to start moving!!! You will feel better about yourself…I promise!! It takes just one day!

So many people say how “normal” I look…but I can assure you there is nothing normal about me anymore.  I will never be “normal”.  I think my exhaustion may be getting slightly better but I still feel this to be the slowest phase with this recovery is getting back my energy.  The numbness in my hands has finally gone away.  I think this took longer than I thought it would….it’s the main reason why I have completely avoided writing this past year….but this past month I have noticed a big difference...phew!

I don’t go thru one day without someone asking me “how I feel”...Every single day!  Whether it’s a text..someone I’m passing in the hallway at work…every single day someone asks me “how I’m feeling”.   I find this sometimes to be a trick question….do I answer really honestly how I feel or do I just simply say “I’m fine”.  Those who have survived a brain aneurysm know exactly what I’m talking about….we may not psychically be in any kind of pain but mentally we are fighting a war daily inside our heads!  This is beyond challenging.  I am still hopeful it will get better!!

No more stressing about petty crap.  This may be my new favorite trait about the new me.  I am so unphased with certain things….it is just sooo unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  Laundry, dishes, etc….it gets done when it gets done!  My husband may not like this new trait of mine but it’s working out just fine for me J

I put my energy towards people who make the effort.  I no longer go above and beyond for people like I once did.  I actually say the word “no”…something that took getting used to.  I do what makes me happy and makes sense...bottomline.

I’m still very emotional about all that has happened…I look in the mirror and sometimes I simply don’t recognize who I see.  I wonder if I will I ever find her and I wonder if people look at me and wonder where the old me is? I feel at times I am living two lives….the new life since this happened and the old one….it gets very confusing but I am trying to just focus on the “present” more than anything. 

I know I have said it many times but I am not sure I can ever say thank you enough to everyone who has been there for me.  When I got home from the hospital and I was finally able to read every message posted on facebook, all the cards that were sent, etc… it really was quite overwhelming.  I was beyond touched.  All of your prayers truly were heard.  The support I have received from my family, friends and coworkers has just been incredible and I love you all for being there for me!

Surviving what I have has taught me the true value of life.  I don’t want to any longer just do what I should do…I want to do what I want to do and what feels good!  I went snowboarding for the first time this past weekend with family and friends (against my husband wishes).  It was exhilarating!!!  I was so proud of myself…not only for not being afraid to try it again but for being pretty dam good at it!

Having a "life is good" moment on the lift up the mountain

 

 I am trusting this journey... I feel incredibly grateful that I was given a second chance at life. I love nothing more than being here for those that truly love me and being with those I love more than anything.  Please embrace those around you and appreciate them.  Be kind to those you meet….I’ve said it time and time again everyone is fighting the fight…we all have something or someone that we are dealing with no matter how big or small. 

xoxox

His side of the story - Part I

My husband and I thought it would be interesting for people to hear his side of the story.  He is the one that was the closest to all this and is actually the only one that remembers everything..haha! (Please excuse some of the cursing that goes on in here).  I am approaching my 1 year “second chance” anniversary next week.  It is still overwhelming for me knowing what I survived and where I am today…especially when I read what my husband wrote. I truly commend Chris on how he has handled this entire situation.  He has been right there by my side rooting for me and cheering me on.  I didn’t think I could love him any more than I already did!

His side of the story Part I

Over the next few months, I will be guest blogging on Patty’s site and providing all of you the story from my seat on what happened from February 20^th, 2014 till now…… I used Facebook as my “voice” throughout this ordeal but here is where I am able to brain dump my side of the story and not sugar coat anything. There is definitely a lot of information I have never made public….I hope you can follow me over the next few months and hear my side around this nightmare that my family was dealt with and the miracle that has happened. 

Day 1 and 2 “Incident and Reality”

February 20^th, 2014 was a cold and pretty normal day in February and this day will be remembered for the rest of our lives.   I was in a career change to something I didn’t think I would ever do or become…..Account Manager at CDI.  The past 4 months at CDI was a whirlwind by way of transitioning out of my Director of Operations position and becoming an Account Executive with a concentration in Public Sector.   February 1^st was technically my first day as a full time rep so I spent most of my days building the existing relationships, building new relationships and trying to gain as much training as I could to get educated on the Pre-Sales side of the business.  February 20^th was one of those typical days as I was down at Cisco at a training and then meeting with an Account Manager to do some account mapping.   Around 1pm I headed back up to the Teterboro office to attend a Professional Services training that Frank was holding for the New Jersey Sales Team.   The training was technically supposed to be till 5 pm and around 345 I threw a txt to Patty to see if she wanted to meet me at the Wellness Center to do a run and workout.  I was pleasantly surprised that she had agreed because unless it was the morning, we rarely went to the gym at night.   I was able to leave the office around 5:05 and I headed to the Wellness Center to meet up with her.  

We arrived around 5:30pm and went right on the treadmill and we started with a walk and then started to run.  I had my head phones on and was in the zone.  I hadn’t agreed to do the Paramus Tri as of yet but had the vision to do it but Patty had agreed mentally that she was definitely going to do the race.  Shortly after we had started running, Patty tapped me on the shoulder (I had my Beats on and somebody was killing a set on Sound Cloud and I wish I could remember who) and she said she wasn’t feeling the run and was going to work out.  I continued my run and saw her in a distance with weights in her hand…she looked good and focused working out.  

Few minutes have passed and I see out of the corner of my eyes that Wellness workers were racing to the workout area to attend to someone, as I removed my headphones; I heard the siren and announcement.  Not thinking of anything or even thought that it was Patty being attended too, I threw my headphones back on and finished my run.  As I finished the run and grabbed something to wipe down the treadmill, I turn around and see a couple from Bogota that I hadn’t seen in maybe 15 years.  I caught up with them for about 5 minutes and even asked them who is the person was and they said it looked like some guy who had a seizure.  As I headed over to the area, I see a group of people looking to see what has happened with the person and I see Keith (Former Manager of the Wellness Center and a friend) looking down at the person in some serious concern.  As I got closer, I noticed the persons hand on the ground and noticed the Fit bit on their hand and the closer I got, I realized it was Patty.  *Deep Breath here*   I sprinted over and I had to have knocked into a few on the way and I leaped over the people attending her like OJ in that Hertz commercial.  As I arrived, they started telling me what was going on, a lot of noise and truly don’t remember what they were saying outside that her blood pressure had sky rocketed.  Patty was laying there completely passed out and I honestly thought the bozo just didn’t eat and fainted….wish I was right.  The police and paramedics arrived and started asking me questions about Patty but the interesting part of this was many years ago,  P made me put the name of her BP medicine and amount under her profile in my phone so one day,  GOD FORBID,  if I needed,  I can recover the information.  So I was able to tell them that she was on a low dose of Bystolic 5mg and after a few minutes Patty started to wake up and here is where my thought of not eating was coming to truth.  She sat up and had no recollection what had happened except her remembering a terrible headache and sat on the bench to catch her breath.  As she was talking and drinking some water she turned around and saw the stretcher and freaked out. She has spent most of her life watching her mother going in and out of the hospitals and this “ I have to go on a stretcher” thing was flying out of her mouth with a few curse words thrown in there.  After screaming at her, yes Dyfus style, that she needed to go on that thing and head to the hospital to get checked out, she agreed.   As she was getting wheeled out, the apologies were flowing from her mouth to everyone she passed or saw.   Got outside and the paramedics recommended that I take my truck to the hospital and not ride in the ambulance.  As I rode to the hospital, I called our friend Krista but forgot she was in Mexico, a few work calls to tell them I am probably not making my Friday appointments and called Shay’s Dad to make sure that he can pick Shay up from Volleyball. 

As I arrived at HUMC valet around 615-620pm, I basically tossed my keys to the attendants and truly didn’t care what they did with my truck.   I walked into the ER and was passed around like a hot potato with asking me questions and stalling me for some reason.  Didn’t really think too much of it until they brought me in a room and started with the questionnaire bullshit and insurance information, here is where Chris’ temper and short patience took over and I looked at the chick and I swear I was nice and I quote “You can keep the fucking insurance card, I can order a new one, I just want to see my wife”.  As they started walking me to the ER area, I had a sense of concern on what the hell is going on but I was more scared for Patty because she was all alone.   They sat me in a chair and told me it’s going to be another 5 minutes, I must have given the nurse a death look cause within seconds, they walked me in.  The ER is setup with all of the rooms around the parameter and the island is where the nurses’ station was…when they walked me over I could see in the room.  The curtain was closed and as I looked down, I saw at least 12-16 feet in the room working on Patty and I was like, this is definitely not good.  The nurse came over and told me that when Patty arrived she had thrown up and passed out.  Later I was told that equals head trauma.   The ER doctor came out and said that they are unsure what is going on and that Patty is heading up to a CAT scan to get a better look at her head.   As she is wheeled by, there had to be 12 tubes connected to her and she is unconscious, the emotional roller coaster had started and being an only child in life,  I can do whatever by myself and I truly love my alone time..BUT at this moment,  being alone was truly the worst feeling someone could have.  The next few minutes are foggy on what happened, I know I called my parents, my sister in law Theresa and I think I threw out a shitload of group txts.   We had arrived at around 6:30 and time stamp right now is about 6:55-7:00.  As Patty is wheeled back down to the room and hooked back up, ER doctor asked if we can discuss the CAT scan and he took me down two hallways and sat me in a random chair…leaned down to talk to me.  Now, I was a HUGE fan of the show ER so I knew exactly the scene I was in and this was DEF not good.   He goes to me, “who you texting with”?  I said my friend George.  He goes...“where does he live?” I tell him and he says “we are calling him and he needs to come here now cause I can’t have you here alone”.   I called George and I just go...”come here now”.  The doctor proceeds to tell me that Patty is very sick and she had a stage 4 Aneurysm and she had a stroke that they were able to contain.  He said the Aneurysm leaked…not burst…and basically told me that the blood has leaked to the back right side of her head…the size of his hand.   

In 1993 on April 17^th, Steve Kinsglow who was my AAU basketball coach for the Jersey Jayhawks,  woke up in the middle of the night and died at the age of 27 from a Brain Aneurysm.  For 21 years, that day has run through my mind and I always wondered why there isn’t a warning or more awareness, and now here I am sitting in the ER being told my wife had one.  He goes on to tell me that I need to call all of our family and friends to the hospital because my wife is very sick and living off a ventilator.  My response back to him…”Doc, is my wife going to die?... his response, “she isn’t breathing on her own and is very sick”.  My response…”I will take that as a yes”. 

Getting off that chair was something I will never forget.  I basically left my soul in that chair that night and walked down the hallway.  Tears started flowing with so many emotions running through me.   As I was walking down the hallway, Shay’s father calls me and tells me that he and his wife were in the waiting room (Remember I had called him about picking up Shay…so if you forgot and found this weird, there is your reminder).  As I was explaining what the hell was going on, they were the first to see me in the state I was in. We had to discuss what we were going to do with telling Shay and getting her to the hospital.  He decided that he was going to get her and bring her back,  it was totally the right move even though if Patty had to vote, the answer would have been NO.   George arrived, I will be thankful for the rest of my life for the support he provided me that night and the next morning.  George and Amanda were just married that Saturday before and I am even more thankful that their honeymoon was delayed a few months.  As I was sitting at the desk…my lifeless wife laying 20 feet away from me.. I started placing more calls to people to let them know.  People started arriving including my Uncle Dick which was the best surprise of them all.   I am lucky to have that man in my life because he was the support group I needed right at that moment and like George, thankful for the rest of my life for that. 

At around 7:30-745pm, Shay arrived with her father and this was the moment I think I found the toughest to deal with.  After a brief conversation with her I grabbed her hand as tight as I could, and walked her over to the room, you could feel with each step, the grip got tighter and tighter by both of us.  I was walking Shay in to see the person she loved more than anyone,  laying there lifeless and living off a machine,  not sure if there could have been a more depressing moment cause I was standing there watching this and this is the last thing Patty would have ever wanted.   As we walked out of the room, the group had grown with friends (Dave, Fran L, Fran G, and Kim) and family (My parents, Theresa, Uncle Dick, Kris, Amy and Kyle) and we needed every single one of them.   At around 830pm, the doctor came up to George, myself and Theresa and I quote “Patty is the sickest patient I have ever seen in this ER in my 13 years here” Patty had been wheeled up a few times for tests and still the same results,  no improvement. 

At around 945pm,  the ER doctor came up to me at the desk that I had completely taken over with the amount of supporters Patty had at the hospital and asked to speak to me. I remember looking at him, reminder that I really liked this doctor and his keeping me updated was on point but everything has been bad news, and I stated “ Doc,  I can’t hear any more bad news so I truly don’t want to talk to you”  He promised he didn’t have any bad news.   I go on to tell him that I don’t have the people (My parents and Poppy Puzo) there to help me make any of those serious decisions that I might have had to make.  He calls me over and grabs my elbow and walks me over to the room and made me stand at the end of the bed and tells me to watch.  Within minutes I see Patty’s toes start to move and I look over to him and he assures me this is good.  He states “This is really good and now neurology will now take the case”.  The joke around her feet moving was my busting on Patty for always teasing her on how busted her feet and toes were.  IRONIC!   Within minutes, the neurology team came down and they pulled me aside and basically described what has happened and what is going to happen.   I get introduced to the Resident Doctor from neurology and my first thought was “man he is young” and I went on to call him my Doogie Howser.   The entire group of family and friends have now moved over to surround the room for support and to see what the hell is next.   Doogie comes over to me and explains that they need to put a tube in her head to start draining the blood from her brain and they will have to shave her head.  In my sarcastic and typical Chris way I told him that I cannot approve this action and that her hair dresser will have to sign off,  Kim, who was there is her hair dresser.  The doctor looked at me with my 9 heads and then died laughing and realized I was kidding but I think he was baffled that I still had my sense of humor, even in this situation. 

People started leaving now and my parents and George left around 1130 and by the next morning Patty was scheduled to have the Aneurysm coiled.  So from the moment the ER doctor told me that my wife was going to die, to the moment her toes wiggled was about 2 hours and 50 minutes.   The thought that my wife was dead for that long is still surreal but something had happened and I will talk about that later in the story.

Please continue to follow this Blog as I will go through the next few days in the blog next month….

TO BE CONTINUED…

 I am beyond grateful for all of the people that from day one have been there for me (for US).  I think having the support system that I had and continue to have has contributed to my incredible recovery.  When you see how much people care it really warms your heart.  I will never be able to say thank you enough to everyone.  Ive said it plenty of times....with all that has happened to me I still feel incredibly lucky with the people I have in my life.  Enjoy your week everyone and be nice to everyone you meet :)

All about me!

I have not been feeling well this week at all L  Head throat etc…everything aches.  So I took a few days off of work and exercising and now I find myself feeling super depressed.  I’m depressed because I am sick…and I can’t take anything for it…I’m depressed now I can’t exercise and exercise is the only thing that makes me feel good so it’s a double whammy for me…I’m depressed I can’t even take care of my husband who is also sick because I am sick.  Isn’t he entitled to be sick without it being about me??  It cannot always be about me!  I mean yes I am the one that this horrible thing happened to, I'm the one who felt the worst possible pain I have ever felt etc...but this affected everyone in my family.  My husband, my daughter, my step daughter, my dogs even! My husband was told almost a year ago that his wife was not going to make it as I lay lifeless on a ventilator and my daughter was brought to the hospital that evening to say good bye to her mother.  I still have a hard time accepting at times that this has happened and my family and friends were put thru all this.  I feel bad that I caused them such pain.

I know I know…ridiculous for me to feel badly but I do.  I know without question how happy everyone is that I’m here and I’m alive. But I have to be honest....things still do get frustrating and the I’m here and I’m alive talk I have to give myself 1,000 times a day gets sometimes tiring.  And I think I am entitled...aside from feeling incredibly grateful every day (which I am) I feel like I am allowed to throw a teeny tiny pity party from time to time. I am human!

I will never forget on the day I came home from the hospital...my stepdayghter Camryn asked me when I thought I would be able to go on the trampoline like I used to :( Something we used to do together...such a simple fun thing...now the thought of doing this almost gives me anxiety! Roller coasters....nothing was ever fast enough high enough for me. I could go on anything!!! My daughter Shay is exactly like me...well at least she is like the old me. How sad....vacations based on going on roller coaster rides...I now can’t go L...I can barely walk down stairs without holding on for dear life.  And now I have ruined it for everyone else! I've changed and altered alllllll of their lives as well ...not just my own. This is what goes thru MY head….not once has anyone ever said this to me..just me beating myself up.

How sick my husband must be of talking about the "incident" people constantly asking him about me. This "incident" has completely consumed and taken over every facet of all of our lives. "I did not sign up for this"...is all I can envision what he says over and over in his head.  He swears he does not feel this way.

I have completely changed everything! I obviously did not do this on purpose but it’s been done and I feel god awful about it. I wish I can fix it but I can’t. I can only change the way we live now going forward the best I can.

I try hard not to let anyone see me sleeping or resting...I almost think they will view me as being weak and lazy although there are times it’s what I need to do.  I never took naps prior to my head exploding so I am not going to do it now…but there are just times I cannot talk my way out of it and it’s what I need to do. Im sure there are a few of you out there that feel this way.

I continue to ask for patience from my loved ones and myself…I am continuing to be good to myself...I make time to do things just for me…If I really need help....I do ask for it…I am taken one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Period!

I think my lesson I learned this week is many of us will have to face this at least one time in our lives...whether it’s our spouse who gets sick, our parents, sick child...it’s not a life anyone chooses but it’s one you need to make the best of. Does anyone ever feel guilty for an illness they have that has affected their entire family?

I actually did have some very good things happen this week…I had my first doctor’s appointment in almost 6 months. This was with my regular doctor...the doctor who saw me 3 weeks at my psychical before all this happened to me and the doctor that feels somehow responsible for what happened to me. He kisses and hugs me and tells me I am one of his favorite patients. He is soo pleased with how well I have bounced back.   I know all the hard work I have been putting in is truly paying off.  I know I may not look exactly how I would like to right now but I know I have completely taken ownership of my health and have been making decisions that no longer are just about me but every other person that lives in this home.  This truly makes me happy and is something to be proud of.  These are the types of things that keep me positive....not every day is going to perfect but there is something good in each day!!

Ending on high note....I sent in my registration for the triathlon that will take place on June 20^th. I will be swimming for a half mile..riding 17 miles on a bike and then running 5 miles. I can only hope and pray that I will keep getting better. I’ve been trying to increase everything each week....I keep saying I will do this and I really think somehow I will manage to do it!


I have truly found doing this blog to be therapeutic. I am just typing what rolls out of my mouth depending on how I am feeling that particular day J Thank you for all your continued support!!