My guardian angel

My brother Michael was more like a father to me.  My dad passed away when I was only 14 years old.  I spent majority of my teenage years parentless….my father died and my mother spent more time in the hospital then she did at home sadly.   My brother only in his young 20s at this time ran our house hold.  My sister lucky enough to be away at college it was just me and my two brothers.  I look back now and sometimes I’m still in awe on how we managed.  I was forced to learn how to clean, how to cook (frozen pizza), etc.... Michael was the reason we were able to keep the roof over our heads…the reason we had food on the table.  He brought me to get my ears pierced…he gave me own telephone line cause he couldn’t handle my friends calling in the middle of night (well played on my part!) he bought me my prom dress, got me my own tv…the list goes on and on.  I don’t know too many other brothers that do all this for their little sisters but mine did.  It wasn’t just about what he bought me…I learned how to plant flowers because of him, I am pretty handy around the house because of him, I blame my love for coffee because of him and I am tough as nails because of him!

 

He was always taken care of me

 

I watched my brother take his last breath on January 26, 2012 along with my sister in law Terry.  I thought I would never ever forget that image as long as I lived…but somehow I did.  The passing of my brother was truly crushing to me and heartbreaking. I am not sure I have ever loved someone with the exception of my daughter as much as I loved him. 

 

While in the hospital, I asked my husband when I was finally coming around.... “so have you spoken to Michael”…I think I truly caught him off guard.  For some reason I had completely wiped the passing of my brother out of my mind out of my memory.  "How can that be…I just spoke to him" is what came out of mouth next. 

 Since my brother died I have worn his ashes around my neck….I never take this necklace off.    I began to freak out that I didn’t have my necklace on next.  So I knew I didn’t have my necklace but I was not making the connection as to why I even had that necklace.  On the back of the necklace there is an inscription that reads “protect me always”.

 It seems as though my big brother up in heaven did exactly that last February.  Sometimes it seems to be the only thing that makes sense as to why I am still here.  Was he enjoying heaven too much…all the peace and quiet to allow me up there and have me talking to him a mile a minute like I used to?  That’s exactly what I think at times. 

 I had to grieve my brother all over again in the hospital…I had to be told that my big brother had died.  How can that be?.... is what I just kept thinking.  This was a major setback for me.  They stopped allowing people to see me to just let me sit there sobbing and grieving all over again.  They even stopped my daughter coming to see me because I think everyone thought I was truly losing it.

If my brother didn’t die…would I still be here?  I question this often.  I speak to him a lot….what would Mike do…what would Mike say…I miss his voice like no other….the voice that should have been on the radio.  I miss just being able to call him like I used to and ask his advice.  I just miss him.  I miss my brother. 

I know many people may not believe in this…they may also find me crazy….but in my heart it’s the reason why I am here...my brother protected me.  It’s ironic to me that the man who always did right by me and for me…ALWAYS…continues to do so up in heaven.  How lucky am I???

 

The last picture I have of me and Michael at my 40th bday party

 

I know he would think I am absolutely out of my mind with everything that I’ve been doing…training etc.  He would think I’m nuts and he would be sure to tell me.  But he also would be proud of me for fighting and not giving up…this I know for sure. 

 
I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if “I saw the light” or if I remember anything.  And honestly I don’t….but again in my heart of hearts I believe my big brother had a lot to do with me still being here. 

Be happy – lifted off of a card my brother gave me at my 40th and what is now tattooed on my wrist.  It is a constant reminder for me to be just that regardless of what gets thrown my way.

 

 

I have an amazing friend who saw my tattoo for the first time a few weeks ago.  I explained the meaning behind it… a week later I get a package in the mail with a pocketbook…Be happy.

 

 

 

Be happy…It seems to be so easy to say…but many people struggle with simply just being a happier person.  I know that being happy is not always easy  but I think if people would complain a little less…stop feeling sorry for themselves…quit bitching and just enjoy life.  It’s never going to be perfect!

I miss Mike like crazy…it hurts how much I miss him but I get much relief knowing that he walks besides me and looks after me..his baby sister.

Did anyone else have something similar happen to them ? I would be curious to know what you remember.

 

Remember to always be grateful for those that are still here and who are good to you.  My brother always knew how much I loved him and appreciated him.  I never once took that for granted. 

 

Wishing you all a good week...be safe with all this snow!

It is what it is!

 

 

How many of you use the saying "It is what it is"? My definition of It is what it is....accept it, deal with it and move on. I say this quite often...pretty on point these days don't you think?! I had a very tough week emotionally and I had to do a lot of talking myself thru things...I had to keep reminding myself "patience Patty patience". So easy to preach this to people but when you need to listen and accept it for yourself it’s real hard. I have to accept my "new normal"...it is what it is. I need to accept it....I need to deal with it the best I can...then I need to move on and quit feeling sorry for myself. Again, definitely easier said than done.

Invisible illness  If I had a dollar for every person that has said to me these past few months..."well you don't look sick"...especially now that my hair has grown in....it looks as though nothing ever happened to me. I'd be able to buy that bag I've been wanting :) I also get..."well if you can do all those workouts you must be ok".

Psychically...I am a walking miracle in many people’s eyes...but mentally/emotionally I am still struggling. I cannot filter noise like I once did. I cannot think and process things like I once did....this is taken longer than I had hoped. Went to see a band this past weekend.... I felt like I was being rude...ear plugs in not speaking to anyone because I can't hear them. Just very frustrating for me. It knocked me down emotionally...I actually cried in the bar. The crowd the noise and the confusion...gave me almost an anxiety attack. It was definitely an eye opener for me that I am just not ready still for certain things. Sigh :(

Because psychically I can do just about anything at this point...but these are the times when I miss the old Patty. I definitely miss who I used to be....I miss my energy more than anything. Will I ever be back to "normal"??....from what I am understanding probably not. Sigh again :(  But with that said...there are many things that I like about the new Patty....I no longer sweat the small stuff..I do not react and get stressed out over things that are simply unimportant in the grand scheme of things.  I care less what people think and I no longer have the ability to multi task which allows me to focus at the task at hand which isnt such a bad thing. :)





or nine, ten etc....

It seems that so many people struggle with this though....not just people who have had a brain aneurysm or went thru a life changing event. When you are not who you once were no matter how big or small the issue is..its an awful feeling. A pulled hamstring, carpal tunnel, migraines, back pain...anything that does not make you feel like "you" it can do a number on you mentally and really make you depressed. However, this is when I feel like the brain can get you thru anything though. Because what initially makes you want to give up in the first place and throw in the towel can be the same thing that can talk yourself out of your funk. I am choosing to be stronger, better, focused , commited.  I am choosing to live  a healthier life.  Choosing is the key word here.  And the fact that I actually get to choose is enough reason for me to snap out of it and not feel sorry for myself.  Sometimes a painful situation can teach us lessons that we never thought we needed to know. 


I am trying to figure out my "purpose" and what mine is and should be now. What is my purpose? The obvious is mother wife friend etc...but what else should I be doing with this second chance at life? This is what I am struggling with....what can I do better this go around? Does anyone else go thru this ???  I know I will not figure out all the answers right away but its definitely something I am trying to search for.

All I know is that every single day I dig deep down to get myself out of bed and tackle the day.  It's not easy but I do it and I try to do it with a smile.


My new addition to my desk...surrounding myself with positive reminders that I truly can do anything I set my mind to do!  Especially, on those extra hard days!!!



Received many messages these past few weeks via email and facebook ...it really has made me so happy that I can inspire and motivate some of you :)  Keep at it and thank you for sharing with me!

Wishing you all a good week! Thanks for the continued support!

And so it begins...

Today was my first official day training for the triathlon in June...what an adrenalin rush!! I finally got myself in the pool!! The pool at the gym ( www.hackensackumcfitnessnyg.com ) was the main reason for switching last year...so I can swim and train for the Tri. Little did we know back when joining last January that the amazing staff that works there would be my "first responders".

It was quite overwhelming being in that pool I have to say. I had to take a moment to truly take in what I was actually doing...I am finally getting to do what I set out to do last year. "Second chance Patty...you got this" ...I say this to myself constantly with almost everything I do it seems! But that’s how I feel. Each day is a gift! I wish more people would realize this.

It was definitely challenging for me...my legs and arms were already sore from yesterday’s workout "how the heck am I going to do this" is what I kept thinking. I am soo glad I started now...I can only get better right?? :0

I completed 6 laps of swimming....I touched the bottom as soon as I was able to on the last and finished with walking....I was pretty tired but I was very pleased with what I had done for my first time. I headed back into the locker room and changed so I can then use the stationary bike. I rode for about 20 minutes and completed 5.8 miles. Success!..I did today exactly what I had set out to do!

Pretty crazy to think that 11 months ago I was in the ICU...not sure I would be able to talk, walk...live for that matter!!..and fast forward to where I am now. I have to just keep reminding myself this when I get a little frustrated with things.  Patience is key!

Last week I was away on business in Florida. It was not as warm as I would have liked it but it still wasn’t as cold as it was back home...brrrrrrr. Traveling is very stressful for me...I do not like it any more :(. The pressure from the plane on my head, the long days....it is just really hard for me.  I actually get depressed.  It psychically and mentally exhausts me. It takes me about 2-3 full days to really get myself back on track. I don’t know why this is...but it’s once again something I am learning and figuring out as I go. The new normal…I will say this a lot. And I will take and accept this new normal and handle it as best I can…which I think I’m doing.

 

Wishing you all a great week!

My story...

Last year I made the decision that 2014 was going to be my year!! I was going to start training for my first triathlon in June. My husband Chris and I joined the new gym close to our home that had a pool - HackensackUMC Fitness & Wellness - Powered by the Giants. We did this in January..new year new goals! This was it... let the training begin! I was running roughly 1-2 miles every other day...my plan was to get myself swimming in the pool March 1st. I figured that would give me plenty of time to be ready by June. On February 20th my husband and I went to the gym together. Usually I would go on my own in the morning but for whatever reason I couldn’t make it in the morning so I went at night with him. I had finished my run and remember saying to him " I wasn’t feeling that run". The next few minutes is when the rest of my life will be forever changed. Since he was still running I went over to do some weights. I still wasn’t feeling "right" but I just chalked it up to maybe not eating enough. I laid my stuff down on the bench and the next thing I knew I was holding my head and experiencing a pain like I had never ever felt before...I described it as "thunder in my head". That was the last thing I remember. I crashed to the floor. My next memory is waking up in Hackensack University Medical Center and I am in the ICU. My husband kept a diary on who visited me because sadly I just don’t remember everyone that came to see me during my stay there...which happened to be for 25 days.  When I realized what the heck was going on you can imagine how scared I was.  “I what…what do you mean I had a stroke…a brain aneurysm??” Luckily, I had no aftermath from the stroke…meaning my speech wasn’t slurred, I had no paralysis…I had dodged a major bullet.

My first steps in the hospital a few days right before I got to go home

 

My last days in the hospital were deciding whether or not I was going to need a shunt in my head. This was the “miracle” my doctor referred to earlier on…me leaving the hospital with a shunt was my best case scenario (I will explain what a shunt is on a future blog post) Unfortunately, it was decided that I would need one.  More hair shaved and one crazy hairdo later I get to finally go home to our girls and my doggies! 

This was my very last day in the hospital...it also happened to be St. Patty's day :o

My mother in law Val would need to stay with us to help take care of me once I got out.  I was still a little shaky walking and I was not allowed to drive…so Val was getting me to all my doctor’s appointments and I started Psychical Therapy at Maven Sports Medicine right when I got home.  I needed psychical therapy because my muscles were so weak. God Bless Val!!!!

Months of PT and rest and relaxation I basically begged to go back to work.  I couldn’t be home any longer!!  I went back to work in July…2 months earlier than what I was originally told would be my back to work date. I wanted a piece of normalcy and whatever it meant I was going to have it.

This is me going back to work...I felt like a little kid on the first day of school : )

I joined a Brain Aneurysm Survivor Group on Facebook pretty early on and this was/is key in my recovery. I have learned so much from reading peoples posts who are almost exactly like myself.  It’s a pretty incredible feeling knowing there is someone just like you.  It really has helped me beyond words. It also has shown me again how lucky I am to be here and how well I am recovering. 

My husband Chris, my daughter Shay and stepdaughter Camryn have truly been my motivation to get out of bed every single day.  I can’t imagine not living this life with them. I said whatever happens to me…these girls will know what being a fighter means.  They will know what being strong is. 

This was all I wanted..to be home with all of them!

As I begin my training for the triathlon I am anxious excited scared…am I crazy should I do this? why am I doing this?  I am also signed up for the Spartan Race on June 6^th.  We have already begun training for that as well.  Yes I will be the one wearing the helmet!

I hope to be able to share with you what keeps me going and why and with whom.  I belong to an incredible fitness family - Maven Sports Medicine which you will all get to meet.  We are all striving for the same outcome. I hope I can inspire others who may feel a little “tired” to get up off the couch.  Those who have had a BA will understand when I say…I never feel like me..there is always a little haze.  I compare it to the flu but the flu on the day you start to feel good.  This is how I feel all the time.  Exercise has been the only thing that makes me feel good.  I never wake up feeling energized…but once I get moving and exercise I want to bottle that energy as long as I can. I am just different from who I was.  I think that’s still hard for me to accept.  But my goal is to push thru it and not let it defeat me.  I hope you will follow my journey with me.  I am not perfect.  I have my pity parties. I get sad…real sad.  But I hope to help those who are down understand that its normal.  Your brain can get you thru just about anything…I am proof of that.

I really have appreciated the support I have received this past few months.  It truly has been amazing.  Thank you again! xo