All about me!

I have not been feeling well this week at all L  Head throat etc…everything aches.  So I took a few days off of work and exercising and now I find myself feeling super depressed.  I’m depressed because I am sick…and I can’t take anything for it…I’m depressed now I can’t exercise and exercise is the only thing that makes me feel good so it’s a double whammy for me…I’m depressed I can’t even take care of my husband who is also sick because I am sick.  Isn’t he entitled to be sick without it being about me??  It cannot always be about me!  I mean yes I am the one that this horrible thing happened to, I'm the one who felt the worst possible pain I have ever felt etc...but this affected everyone in my family.  My husband, my daughter, my step daughter, my dogs even! My husband was told almost a year ago that his wife was not going to make it as I lay lifeless on a ventilator and my daughter was brought to the hospital that evening to say good bye to her mother.  I still have a hard time accepting at times that this has happened and my family and friends were put thru all this.  I feel bad that I caused them such pain.

I know I know…ridiculous for me to feel badly but I do.  I know without question how happy everyone is that I’m here and I’m alive. But I have to be honest....things still do get frustrating and the I’m here and I’m alive talk I have to give myself 1,000 times a day gets sometimes tiring.  And I think I am entitled...aside from feeling incredibly grateful every day (which I am) I feel like I am allowed to throw a teeny tiny pity party from time to time. I am human!

I will never forget on the day I came home from the hospital...my stepdayghter Camryn asked me when I thought I would be able to go on the trampoline like I used to :( Something we used to do together...such a simple fun thing...now the thought of doing this almost gives me anxiety! Roller coasters....nothing was ever fast enough high enough for me. I could go on anything!!! My daughter Shay is exactly like me...well at least she is like the old me. How sad....vacations based on going on roller coaster rides...I now can’t go L...I can barely walk down stairs without holding on for dear life.  And now I have ruined it for everyone else! I've changed and altered alllllll of their lives as well ...not just my own. This is what goes thru MY head….not once has anyone ever said this to me..just me beating myself up.

How sick my husband must be of talking about the "incident" people constantly asking him about me. This "incident" has completely consumed and taken over every facet of all of our lives. "I did not sign up for this"...is all I can envision what he says over and over in his head.  He swears he does not feel this way.

I have completely changed everything! I obviously did not do this on purpose but it’s been done and I feel god awful about it. I wish I can fix it but I can’t. I can only change the way we live now going forward the best I can.

I try hard not to let anyone see me sleeping or resting...I almost think they will view me as being weak and lazy although there are times it’s what I need to do.  I never took naps prior to my head exploding so I am not going to do it now…but there are just times I cannot talk my way out of it and it’s what I need to do. Im sure there are a few of you out there that feel this way.

I continue to ask for patience from my loved ones and myself…I am continuing to be good to myself...I make time to do things just for me…If I really need help....I do ask for it…I am taken one day at a time. Some days are better than others. Period!

I think my lesson I learned this week is many of us will have to face this at least one time in our lives...whether it’s our spouse who gets sick, our parents, sick child...it’s not a life anyone chooses but it’s one you need to make the best of. Does anyone ever feel guilty for an illness they have that has affected their entire family?

I actually did have some very good things happen this week…I had my first doctor’s appointment in almost 6 months. This was with my regular doctor...the doctor who saw me 3 weeks at my psychical before all this happened to me and the doctor that feels somehow responsible for what happened to me. He kisses and hugs me and tells me I am one of his favorite patients. He is soo pleased with how well I have bounced back.   I know all the hard work I have been putting in is truly paying off.  I know I may not look exactly how I would like to right now but I know I have completely taken ownership of my health and have been making decisions that no longer are just about me but every other person that lives in this home.  This truly makes me happy and is something to be proud of.  These are the types of things that keep me positive....not every day is going to perfect but there is something good in each day!!

Ending on high note....I sent in my registration for the triathlon that will take place on June 20^th. I will be swimming for a half mile..riding 17 miles on a bike and then running 5 miles. I can only hope and pray that I will keep getting better. I’ve been trying to increase everything each week....I keep saying I will do this and I really think somehow I will manage to do it!


I have truly found doing this blog to be therapeutic. I am just typing what rolls out of my mouth depending on how I am feeling that particular day J Thank you for all your continued support!!