Progress not perfection!

I have been feeling incredibly overwhelmed lately!! I feel like I just don’t have the energy to fit in one more thing. My brain is truly at capacity! I have a business trip fast approaching which means a lot of extra work during the day...I feel like at the end of the day I can barely function. Sometimes I wonder if this is my brain injury or if it’s me getting old!! haha! Either way I am mentally drained!! Physically...I am dealing with a few hiccups but overall I am pushing thru it!

I participated in my first official tri this past weekend. It was an indoor tri in Westchester, NY. I went by myself...everyone that I asked to do it with me had a commitment already so I decided that I am a big girl and I can do this alone. I wanted to know the feeling of what it felt like to compete.

My wave was at 8:20am. I had to swim for 10 minutes...bike for 30 minutes and then run for 20 minutes. I know to many this doesn’t seem like a lot and on paper seems almost like anyone can do it. In all the time I've been practicing swimming I have been using fins. Not using the fins makes you almost feel like you are learning how to swim for the very first time again!! Last week I felt a bit frustrated and lost without them. You are obviously not allowed to use them for the actual triathlon. I also at the end of last week got sick...I had a fever on Friday and my head and throat hurt. Never a good time to get sick but I am like "please let me get better quickly"!!! I don’t think being sick hindered my performance...it was just one more thing I had to worry about which was trying to get better!

While waiting for my wave to begin I met a lovely woman named Meg who was going to be along side of me during the race. She shared with me that she had hip replacement surgery a year ago! Just validates for me again that everyone has a story!!! I couldn’t believe it! I shared my story with her...and we jokingly laughed and told the score keepers we were going to let the other girl win...so no need to pay attention to us..lol! The other woman in our wave was absolutely amazing....she had done a bunch of tri's before and man can you tell. I have felt pretty confident about my swimming up until this past Sunday. I’m not sure what happened...but I only completed 10 laps. I know this is still an accomplishment but I definitely had hoped I would be able to do more in the 10 minutes. I had done 30 laps a few weeks ago. I obviously took breaks and it definitely took a while but I did it. I thought adrenalin would kick in and I would be fine and I would do more than that...but I didn’t. I felt my chest get super heavy and my legs felt very weak and I knew I should not push myself. Whistle blows and we quickly change in the locker room...which I don’t know about you but trying to quick change after being wet into dry clothes / sports bra is a workout in itself! We head up to the bikes...and begin our 30 minutes. My legs feel awful...already! This part should technically be the "easiest" part. I don’t feel well at all...I feel like my heart is beating a mile a minute and all I can think about is I am here by myself and no one knows me or what happened to me except for my new friend Meg. Sure I have my Road ID bracelet that explains what is wrong with me but I am truly scared and just not feeling comfortable. So I do what my gut tells me and that was to take it back a notch and go even slower...so that’s what I did. If there is anything I have learned this year it’s to truly listen to my body. I wound up doing 6 1/2 miles. Again, a little disappointed because I know I have done more than that in 30 minutes..o well. Now on to the running which is by far my worst...this should be interesting! I started the 20 minutes with a walk for a few minutes because my legs are feeling like jello from the bike....I wound up doing 1.36 mile. I am ok with that...because I know I suck at running and this will definitely be my worst of the 3. I have to chuckle when someone asks me what my best out of the 3 is...I really don’t think I have one hahaha!...I find them all challenging but I really truly love this sport. It’s so out of my comfort zone in every area. But there is just something about it that I am completely drawn to.

So I finish my very first official tri...I get a t-shirt that says I am a "Tri Athlete"!!! I know in the grand scheme of things I have to be proud of myself. I have to look at the big picture as to where I was a year ago and where I am at this very moment. But I am still a competitive person...its ME vs ME and I want to do better and get better at everything I do. I know I have to work harder then the normal person but I know deep down I can do this. I just know I can...but I just don’t know how much more I can psychically do!! I feel like I am tapped out as it is.

I am signed up for a Sprint Triathlon this upcoming weekend down in South Jersey....this one is 200 yards in the pool, 11 miles on the bike (outside) and a 5k. After last weekend’s performance I am wondering "how the heck will I complete this"?....but I can only continue to believe that I can...right? This one I will have friends along side of me which makes me feel a little bit better...I just may be able to push myself a tad bit more...feeling a bit safer already.

Next up after this will be the Spartan Race In Tuxedo NY...which I had to buy a helmet for. The brand is called nutcase...how appropriate right?! I can't take a chance with the obstacles and falling on my head! I don’t feel like I have trained as much for this as I would have liked. I have put the Tri Training as priority. Then a few weeks after will be the biggie...June 20th will be the triathlon I have been training for ( 1/2 mile swim / 17 mile bike / 5 mile run) and again I wonder how the heck I am going to finish...I hope that guardian angel of mine makes some kind of appearance...haha!

 

So I may look a little silly...but it is what it is!!!!

Back to Meg who I met at the indoor tri...she did incredible!  She didn't even train and she did amazing...she did better then me.  Here is a woman in her 50's with a hip replacement killing it at this indoor tri....people like her inspire me and keep me going. So many people have obstacles and they finish marathons, triathlons,etc...makes me believe that regardless of what has happened to me I can get thru it.  I have been completely in awe of this woman Stephanie Freeman who suffered a brain injury as a teenager...in a coma for 2 months she was given very little chance not only to live but to walk!! This woman is doing marathons!!! ....these are the kinds of people that really fuel me.  She continues to be someone I look to for motivation and I just simply think she is incredible.  She has brought so much to brain injury awareness...she is doing amazing things!!  I aspire to be like her...like myself she is a mother and she is a survivor.  If she can do it why can't I do this??  I know I had something serious happen to me but in my heart I know I can do it.



Meg and I after finishing our very first triathlon!

I am by far my toughest critic...and many people say I'm too hard on myself.  And I know that I am.  I want to so badly be who I was...even though I know I can't be.  But its really what keeps me pushing forward.  I think by being a little hard on myself has also helped me...I just have to keep reminding myself to strive for progress not perfection.  Something I am learning!!

I attended a running workshop last night at the gym I used to go to.  It was refreshing seeing old familiar faces there.  The only reason why I had stopped going to the gym was because I needed a gym with a pool. I am trying to do whatever it takes to tackle all these goals I have planned for myself.  I am trying to absorb whatever information I can get anywhere I can!! I am beyond grateful for all the people I am meeting along the way on this journey that are so willing to help me.  It really is quite incredible.  People are so nice...I say this practically every day and really mean it. I honestly dont know what I'd do without a bunch of you!

Enjoy this beautiful day everyone!


 





 

 

And it continues....Day 3 and 4

My husband returns!!!.….

Over the next few months, I will be guest blogging on Patty’s site and providing everyone the story from my seat on what happened from February 20^th, 2014 till now…… I had provided updates on Facebook throughout this ordeal but here is where I am able to brain dump my side of the story. There is definitely a lot of information I never made public….I hope you can follow me over the next few months where I can share my story around this nightmare that my family was dealt with and the miracle that has happened.

Days 3-4 - Special Support Staff

When I left the night before at around 9-10pm after Patty had gone to sleep, I was working on a 40 hour straight shift and I was completely shot out of a cannon. I remember getting home to my mom reading a book...I only spoke to her for a few minutes and went straight to bed cause I knew I wanted to be back at the hospital the next day very early. Waking up that Saturday morning of February 22, 2014 was surreal and went into the shower and headed to the hospital so I could be there when she woke up. Remembering every minute on what Walzman said that the highs and lows are going to happen more than you would want. On the way to HUMC, I stopped at the bagel store and ordered an egg white on a whole wheat everything bagel, large coffee, Arizona Green Ice Tea and the Daily News and this would occur like Groundshog Day for the next 22 days. As I arrived that morning around 8am, I remember heading up the elevator and truly not knowing what to expect, I mean, nobody called me overnight for any emergency so that must be a good sign. All rested up, my head is clear and I remember turning the corner and seeing Patty all tubed up and resting comfortably. I met with the nurses and asked about last night and they said she started to get headaches but they are treating her with meds to make sure she is comfortable. I would sit down, eat my breakfast, read my paper and thank god for my phone and Facebook and group chats or depression would have gotten the best of me during this time of need. During the course of the day, Shay was there with her Dad and Amy, my parents and Susan spent most of the day. Today was the day that I really understood the importance of the ICU nurses at HUMC. I would sit there and watch them take care of Patty but I watched how they managed the other patients, the patients family members (has to be the toughest part of the job) and manage the many doctors throughout the day. Truly an amazing staff there and I will be talking about them throughout this journey.

When you have an emergency in life, your family comes rallying around you, your friends from all angles comes to help but Patty and I are lucky to have a work family that truly have been the rocks around our lives this past year. When I was sitting in the ER with my lifeless wife on life support, I made a bunch of calls to tons of people. Two people I called, my boss at CDI at the time, he has since retired, Bob Laurenzo and Joan Gutkowski, Patty’s boss from KPMG. The support that I received from Bob Laurenzo and Trish Bakker, CEO and owner of CDI, was truly amazing with checking in throughout the first few days and making sure the company was aware of what was going on. Trish’s profession before being owner of CDI was a nurse so those instincts took over and she is also a great mom...so those took over too. Here is the note from Trish to the entire company (Truly amazing):

Good Morning All,

It is with a heavy heart that I send this message today asking all of you for your help.

Prayers are needed for the Clark family. Last night, CDI's Chris Clark's (NJ sales rep) wife Patty collapsed and was rushed to Hackensack University Medical Center due to a ruptured cerebral (brain) aneurysm. Thus far, she has undergone two surgical procedures, one last night and one this morning to control/repair the bleeding. She is in the Intensive Care Unit and needs our prayers for a full recovery. Please keep Patty, Chris, and their two daughters, Camryn & Shay in your prayers.

If there is further information to share, I will do so. In the meantime, please do not call Chris or take any action, as you can imagine he is overwhelmed, scared and exhausted.

Thank you,

Trish

Back on Thursday night, I spoke to Alicia Noubi who works with Patty and needed to get Joan’s number to make sure she was made aware on what was going on. I had known Joan for many years, seeing her at the office when I visited, Xmas parties but as many significant others bosses, you know them from hearing about each other’s day. The support I received from Joan over those first few days was truly remarkable and this is where you know that yes they have the “boss” title next to their names, but they are truly friends past the corporate titles. I consider Joan a friend of mine now and we even went to the next level and said we were BFF’s….haha! There are moments in your life that you realize you met someone for a reason and made decisions in your life to switch jobs....the people from CDI and KPMG are those moments. So I thank everyone from both companies for the support and love you gave me over the darkest days and have given to Patty over the past year.

Saturday day continued into the night and I turn around and Adam and Liz Wolfson come flying in and Liz at the time owned a hair salon and in her possession had to be 50 magazines from the salon, I was almost afraid she robbed a bodega! haha! They visited for a little but explained that they have a week’s worth of food that they want to drop off at my house for me, my mom and the girls. That moment was a touching point for me because people are just so fucking nice. Getting dark now and Patty had a pretty good day but her days have these ups and downs… and then the Romano’s…Frank and Sue come to visit. I remember Patty basically waking up so quickly in the reaction to seeing them because they are important people in our lives and have been for a very long time. They only stayed for a short time but there goes to show you that the support for us is here and very strong. I left the hospital around 10pm after another 14 hour shift, but the days are definitely going by quickly.

Day 4: Sunday February 23, 2014 was just another day there at HUMC with headaches starting to come more frequent due to the blood in her brain that was not draining from the tube was starting to dry up and cause massive headaches especially throughout the night. Thank god for the doctors and nurses. The same group of people came and spent the day, Shay, her Dad, Amy, My parents, Susan, Theresa and Camryn made her return to the hospital. Mary Ellen, my cousin Eileen and Cookie were some new faces who came to visit with Patty. The people visiting during the day was a huge thing I think in her recovery, at times overwhelming but the love that came out of those visits were unreal. My cousin Eileen Greer was driving on that Thursday night when Patty collapsed and took this picture of the sky ...she knew it was a sign from God that Patty was going to be alright, she printed the pic and brought it to the hospital and the frame sits over our fireplace now.  During the day on Sunday, we had two visitors that came by to visit with Patty were Joanne Dinelli and Josh Binn. When I went back to school at Felician, they were in my cohort and two of the best people I met during that time and they happen to work at HUMC. Joanne actually works for Walzman and ordered Patty’s coiling, small world and weird and Josh runs the OR. Just great to see them and their support means a lot to me.



This picture doesn't even begin to show its real beauty in person that was captured by Eileen G

Another 14 hour day is complete and you can see that the fight that Patty is putting on each minute of the day is unreal. The journey continues the next time and we will head into the lows of lows in the next few days…..till next time.

*******

It still amazes me when I actually read what happened instead of being told. It gets me very emotional....especially when I am reminded how much people cared and took time out of their incredibly busy lives to come see me in the hospital. I think I touched on this last week about surrounding yourself with "good"...but I can’t say it enough. Even the people you work with...if you are lucky enough like we both are to have such an incredible support system... another contribution to my incredible recovery.

My training continues for the upcoming triathlon...I have about 10 more weeks! I feel like I am behind and I need to start doing more. I am not sure how to do this however! I am using everything I got early in the morning as it is. I am not sure some days how I will do this...I really wish I felt as good as people think I feel..ha! Maybe once the warmer weather kicks in that will also help. I just know however…I am doing this!!

I can do this!!...over and over I say this to myself when I do anything these days.  I swear people must think I'm so strange on how much I talk to myself haha!

My best advice that I can give someone is to register for a race or a competition etc...Let me tell you...it will keep you motivated!! Especially on those extra hard days when you don’t want to get out of bed...you will! I can’t tell you how many days I have had that I truly had to talk myself out of the bed.  It is definitely so much easier to be lazy…but I never regret my decision once I am all done.  I wish I can feel as good as I do afterwards for longer periods of time.  I am told this will hopefully get better…I have to understand and still accept the fact that I am still technically "recovering" but it just seems to be taken longer than I would like....I know I know patience Patty patience!!!

Wishing you all a great week…praying for some nice warmer weather!!!

Surround yourself with GOOD!

I can’t believe March is over.  This past month flew!!  I felt like we hardly had a chance to come up for air.  Things at work are really picking up and my brain is on overload!  My apologies for not posting the last few weeks.

We actually got to go on our first vacation since everything had happened a week ago.  It really was so nice to get away and just completely check out.  We went to Marco Island, Florida…we had never been there and it really far exceeded our expectations. Huge thank you goes out to Trish and Eric Bakker who own CDI, the company my husband works for....and took away 300+ people to paradise… What a beautiful place!  I really am looking forward to going back one of these days. 

 

My early morning stroll on the beach....life is good!!!

While we were away we woke up one morning to the very sad news of a local channel 7 ABC news reporter Lisa Colagrossi that had died of a brain aneurysm.  This really hit home for both my husband and I.  It once again puts things in perspective and lets us know how blessed one is.  You start to again question why you were spared…why you were one of the lucky ones.  One thing I have realized this past year…is that whether you know the person or not….anyone who has had a brain aneurysm or I think any “survivor” of anything you feel an instant bond with that person that only those who have gone thru it or know someone that that has understands.  My heart breaks for her family, friends and colleagues.  All this happening during a vacation that I am beyond grateful to be on to begin with and had so many moments of “I can’t believe I am here”…it really hit us hard.  I appreciated all the messages I received when this happened of people simply just reaching out to me and thinking of me. 

Within days of getting back from vacation I am quickly trying to get myself back on schedule…I was at the gym swimming training for this triathlon that I know will be here before I know it. I am 11 weeks out! I am doing my thing and this older gentlemen who I have seen at the same time for the past few months proceeds to tell me how much faster I have gotten.  It was so nice to hear from someone that doesn’t know me one bit.  We started talking and I shared my story with him…after he lifted his jaw from the floor he proceeds to tell me that his daughter has had two brain aneurysms and she is paralyzed on her one side.  I am not only in shock that here I meet someone who’s been touched by a brain aneurysm but twice in one week I am once again reminded how lucky I really am.  Him telling me that his daughter is paralyzed on one side and here I am just getting done swimming a bunch of laps training for a triathlon. Blessed doesn’t even sum up how I feel.  Another sign for me not to be so hard on myself!

 

I truly believe that all people we meet are brought to us for one reason or another….there was a reason I met this man.  Somehow someway we were meant to meet.  He is a new friend of mine now and one I look forward to seeing whenever I swim.   We now share a bond. 

I also had the opportunity this past weekend to celebrate a friend’s birthday…this friend is like no other.  My friend Nicole…I did not know her at the time but she was my first responder on the scene when my incident occurred.  She was at the gym working out…saw me crash to the floor and called 911.  She stayed with me…she knew it was serious and because of her and the staff members at the Hackensack Fitness and Wellness Center….I truly believe they are the reason I am here today before any of my doctors / nurses got to me at the hospital.  I am forever grateful for Nicole and the others from the gym.  I was thrilled to be invited out for her birthday this past weekend. Again…another person I know is meant to be in my life.  

 I know that the people we meet are meant to be…whether by choice or by chance…each person has a purpose.  Today I celebrate someone who is incredibly special to me.  Back in 2008…I happen to be doing cartwheels on the beach.  Yes I know this is not normal behavior for a grown adult but it really felt great at the time until I pulled my hamstring! This landed me in physical therapy at Maven SportsMedicine.  Here is where I met Dr. Jerry Yoo.  Within seconds I knew I was in good hands.  For whatever reason or another I would have to make yearly visits to Maven.  Through the years Jerry not only was my physical therapist but he became a very good friend of mine and my husbands.  I have never met a more genuine person then him. While in the hospital my doctors had wanted me to be transferred to an inpatient rehab.  My husband felt the best place for me was to be home with the kids and my dogs.  After speaking to Jerry and figuring out a few logistics the decision was made that I would go home and my rehab would be done at Maven with Jerry.  I will never forget going there on the first day….I arrive to flowers and balloons.  I don’t know any other psychical therapist that treats their patient like this.  At that moment…I knew that everything was going to be alright.  It’s kind of how I always feel when I am around Jerry. I trust this man like no other.  I know he has my best interest at hand.  He has been the most supportive person this past year second to my husband.  He believes in me more than I believe in myself at times.  If Jerry says I can do it…I then believe that I can.  People are amazed on how strong I am and look...he is a large part of why I am doing as good as I am these days.  He is going to be doing the same triathlon in June as I am (I am sure he will finish a lot earlier than me!!! Haha!) He has been guiding me throughout this triathlon journey.  He has been coaching me every step and I feel so lucky that I have his guidance.  Physical Therapist / Friend / Mentor/ Tri Coach all wrapped into one!!!  Wishing him the happiest of birthdays! Thank you for all you do and thank you for all your support...you are truly the best!

Me and Dr.Jerry last year at therapy

 I hope everyone has a good network of people that they are surrounded by…people who lift you up.  People that believe in you and support you.  I know I have said it many of times…but I truly believe this has been key in my recovery.  Having people who believe in you really makes a difference. 

So true...surround yourself with good and good things will happen!

 My husband promises to return for those who are anxiously waiting his continuation!!!

 Let’s hope Spring gets here and stays!! Wishing you all a wonderful holiday weekend ! xo