My guardian angel

My brother Michael was more like a father to me.  My dad passed away when I was only 14 years old.  I spent majority of my teenage years parentless….my father died and my mother spent more time in the hospital then she did at home sadly.   My brother only in his young 20s at this time ran our house hold.  My sister lucky enough to be away at college it was just me and my two brothers.  I look back now and sometimes I’m still in awe on how we managed.  I was forced to learn how to clean, how to cook (frozen pizza), etc.... Michael was the reason we were able to keep the roof over our heads…the reason we had food on the table.  He brought me to get my ears pierced…he gave me own telephone line cause he couldn’t handle my friends calling in the middle of night (well played on my part!) he bought me my prom dress, got me my own tv…the list goes on and on.  I don’t know too many other brothers that do all this for their little sisters but mine did.  It wasn’t just about what he bought me…I learned how to plant flowers because of him, I am pretty handy around the house because of him, I blame my love for coffee because of him and I am tough as nails because of him!

 

He was always taken care of me

 

I watched my brother take his last breath on January 26, 2012 along with my sister in law Terry.  I thought I would never ever forget that image as long as I lived…but somehow I did.  The passing of my brother was truly crushing to me and heartbreaking. I am not sure I have ever loved someone with the exception of my daughter as much as I loved him. 

 

While in the hospital, I asked my husband when I was finally coming around.... “so have you spoken to Michael”…I think I truly caught him off guard.  For some reason I had completely wiped the passing of my brother out of my mind out of my memory.  "How can that be…I just spoke to him" is what came out of mouth next. 

 Since my brother died I have worn his ashes around my neck….I never take this necklace off.    I began to freak out that I didn’t have my necklace on next.  So I knew I didn’t have my necklace but I was not making the connection as to why I even had that necklace.  On the back of the necklace there is an inscription that reads “protect me always”.

 It seems as though my big brother up in heaven did exactly that last February.  Sometimes it seems to be the only thing that makes sense as to why I am still here.  Was he enjoying heaven too much…all the peace and quiet to allow me up there and have me talking to him a mile a minute like I used to?  That’s exactly what I think at times. 

 I had to grieve my brother all over again in the hospital…I had to be told that my big brother had died.  How can that be?.... is what I just kept thinking.  This was a major setback for me.  They stopped allowing people to see me to just let me sit there sobbing and grieving all over again.  They even stopped my daughter coming to see me because I think everyone thought I was truly losing it.

If my brother didn’t die…would I still be here?  I question this often.  I speak to him a lot….what would Mike do…what would Mike say…I miss his voice like no other….the voice that should have been on the radio.  I miss just being able to call him like I used to and ask his advice.  I just miss him.  I miss my brother. 

I know many people may not believe in this…they may also find me crazy….but in my heart it’s the reason why I am here...my brother protected me.  It’s ironic to me that the man who always did right by me and for me…ALWAYS…continues to do so up in heaven.  How lucky am I???

 

The last picture I have of me and Michael at my 40th bday party

 

I know he would think I am absolutely out of my mind with everything that I’ve been doing…training etc.  He would think I’m nuts and he would be sure to tell me.  But he also would be proud of me for fighting and not giving up…this I know for sure. 

 
I can’t tell you how many people have asked me if “I saw the light” or if I remember anything.  And honestly I don’t….but again in my heart of hearts I believe my big brother had a lot to do with me still being here. 

Be happy – lifted off of a card my brother gave me at my 40th and what is now tattooed on my wrist.  It is a constant reminder for me to be just that regardless of what gets thrown my way.

 

 

I have an amazing friend who saw my tattoo for the first time a few weeks ago.  I explained the meaning behind it… a week later I get a package in the mail with a pocketbook…Be happy.

 

 

 

Be happy…It seems to be so easy to say…but many people struggle with simply just being a happier person.  I know that being happy is not always easy  but I think if people would complain a little less…stop feeling sorry for themselves…quit bitching and just enjoy life.  It’s never going to be perfect!

I miss Mike like crazy…it hurts how much I miss him but I get much relief knowing that he walks besides me and looks after me..his baby sister.

Did anyone else have something similar happen to them ? I would be curious to know what you remember.

 

Remember to always be grateful for those that are still here and who are good to you.  My brother always knew how much I loved him and appreciated him.  I never once took that for granted. 

 

Wishing you all a good week...be safe with all this snow!